The Trees
If you're reading this because you saw my Instagram post, congratulations! You won my pretend giveaway! If you'll just give yourself a high five, then you've received your prize.
By the way, Josh Groban released a new album today and I would be lying if I said I haven't been listening to his duet with Sarah McLachlan on repeat all day. It's called "Run," go find it and listen to it. Run to it, if you will...........
Terrible, I know.
ANYWAY.
Yesterday I managed to have a couple of epiphanies related to my health and body. I know what you're thinking and I don't know when my epiphanies are ever going to stop (if you read my old blog, it seemed like every other post was about an epiphany. Does epiphany even sound like a word anymore? Have I used it too much? I guess I could say realization or inspiration but those words aren't nearly as entertaining).
First, I feel like I've been pretty open about my health since having Erin. My mental health, at the very least. On the physical end of the spectrum, well in comparison to depression things have been great, but when you take depression out of the equation, my physical health has been straight up stagnant. About 6 months after she was born I settled in at about 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight aaaaand that's pretty much where I still am almost 4 years later! There's been fluctuation up and down as I've tried different things or gone through particularly stressful phases of life (one of the fun new things about myself since having Erin is that I've become an emotional eater, something I had never done before in my life. It's kind of the worst), but for the most part, I've stayed right there around 20 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight. 20 pounds might not seem like much, but it's kind of a big deal on a short person. I feel like at this point I should point out that I'm fully aware that there are plenty of women who are carrying around way more weight than I am, years after having their babies too. Or women who have weight issues entirely unrelated to having babies. I hate that I have to point out this awareness in me, but the fact of the matter is we live in a day and age where if someone has it worse than you, then you're not "allowed" to express difficulties about your own life. Oh gosh, I feel like that's another blog post all together. I should probably stay away from that soap box. Suffice it to say, just because there's someone else in the world who is struggling more than you in a certain aspect of life, doesn't make your burden any less difficult in YOUR life. DANG IT. Anyway. Classic Sandi. Getting side tracked.
For the past 4 years, I can't tell you how many different methodologies/fitness plans/diets (good ones, not fad ones) I've looked into and researched, or how many times I've talked to the Lord about my frustration with my health and body. One thing I HAVE learned in this process is that I AM A SLOOOOOOW LEARNER. I want to just automatically change now and know all the wisdom I need to know now, but it doesn't work that way. Poo. It's taken a long time for my mind to get where it is now in regards to my health and body, and I'm sure there's still more time down the road devoted to this. Yay.
Over the past 6 months, I've had some really great, personal experiences that have given me insight into myself and what I really want physically. For example, rather than try and cram a completely unfamiliar and restrictive diet into my life, I accidentally wandered into eating 80/20 (80% cleanish, 20% whatever I want or is convenient). I mentioned to my therapist that I had started doing this and said "I guess I would call it intentional eating" to which she made a face. When I laughed and asked what that was about she said that she likes to think of intentional eating not so much as intentional but more as "I love myself, and so I'm going to feed myself accordingly, whether it's a healthy meal or an occasional treat." Isn't that wise? I love her. Anyway, that's just one example of how my brain is slowly, sloooooooooooooooooowly, learning it's way around what's really important for me. Basically it boils down to loving myself in a good way. Because the fact of the matter is we need to love ourselves. I'm not talking about the kind of "self love" that leads us to post naked pictures of ourselves on social media (yes I am thinking of someone in particular, and no I don't have very much respect for this person despite not actually knowing them). I'm talking about the kind of self love that means you say "hey buddy, go away!" to unrealistic examples of what your body "should" look like. The kind of self love that says "Here's an idea. Instead of half of that bag of chips, how about these cucumbers and hummus?" but also later that day it might say "those cookies look really good, it's okay to eat one. I SAID ONE, SANDI." Or it's that little voice that says "I know you're really tired, and I know they put a whole new season of British baking on Netflix and it would be soooooo great to sit here and watch it, but maybe go on a walk for a little bit instead. Then come back and watch another episode!" I don't know. Whatever it is your positive inner voice says to you.
Oh my gosh this is so long winded and I haven't even mentioned what my epiphanies from yesterday are. All you Instagram people probably think I've swindled you. I HAVE NOT.
Here you go.
I sat down to read my scriptures (I'm in 2 Nephi for any of you Mormon folk, and sometimes I read the Isaiah chapters and I'm like "these are awesome! I'm gaining a lot from these!" and other times I'm like "how many chapters before I get back to Nephi talking again...." This time through is, unfortunately, the second kind) (I just realized I said Mormon folk and I guess TECHNICALLY I should've said The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints folk) and I don't think I was 6 verses in when my mind was cleared and the following thought process began to form:
*I need to stop looking at my health and body goals in the long term. When I do that, I see all of the days and all of the workouts between now and where I want to be, and the thing I see the most is all the opportunities I have to fail in that time. So without even moving forward, I feel overwhelmed by all of the failing that could potentially happen (but hasn't even happened yet!!) and I get discouraged and quit or don't even start to begin with. It's time to start looking at the journey no further than one day at a time. Yes, have goals, but break it down into one day's perspective. I can have one day of success. I can make good food choices for one day. I can fit one workout into one day. And then I can do it again. I can do it a lot of agains, until they add up to good things. But for now, I'll just think about today.*
You probably just read that and you're like, Sandi everyone knows that. I know everyone knows that! I know that! But for some reason, it finally, FINALLY, penetrated through my heart and brain and into my understanding. So I guess I'm sharing this in the hope that someone else who has understood but hasn't UNDERSTOOD might get something from my own experience.
I put all this epiphany on a piece of paper and hung it up in my kitchen so I see this reminder every. single. day. I'm a huge fan of actual paper reminders. You can ask Mike. I think we have ONE upper kitchen cabinet that doesn't have a piece of paper or reminder of some kind on it.
So, promptly after reading my scriptures (again, it just....it served its purpose in helping me receive revelation, but I'm counting down the chapters until I'm through Isaiah....which I think I only have 2 left. Huzzah)(but really, I don't always feel this way about Isaiah's prophecies! That guy was poetic), I got off my tuckus and I pulled out my yoga mat, and I worked out. And yoga'd. Yoga is where my second epiphany came from. I regret to inform you that it won't be much help to you, but it was immensely uplifting to me and this is my blog so I'm sharing it.
Erin took this picture of me as I held tree pose:
By the way, Josh Groban released a new album today and I would be lying if I said I haven't been listening to his duet with Sarah McLachlan on repeat all day. It's called "Run," go find it and listen to it. Run to it, if you will...........
Terrible, I know.
ANYWAY.
Yesterday I managed to have a couple of epiphanies related to my health and body. I know what you're thinking and I don't know when my epiphanies are ever going to stop (if you read my old blog, it seemed like every other post was about an epiphany. Does epiphany even sound like a word anymore? Have I used it too much? I guess I could say realization or inspiration but those words aren't nearly as entertaining).
First, I feel like I've been pretty open about my health since having Erin. My mental health, at the very least. On the physical end of the spectrum, well in comparison to depression things have been great, but when you take depression out of the equation, my physical health has been straight up stagnant. About 6 months after she was born I settled in at about 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight aaaaand that's pretty much where I still am almost 4 years later! There's been fluctuation up and down as I've tried different things or gone through particularly stressful phases of life (one of the fun new things about myself since having Erin is that I've become an emotional eater, something I had never done before in my life. It's kind of the worst), but for the most part, I've stayed right there around 20 pounds over pre-pregnancy weight. 20 pounds might not seem like much, but it's kind of a big deal on a short person. I feel like at this point I should point out that I'm fully aware that there are plenty of women who are carrying around way more weight than I am, years after having their babies too. Or women who have weight issues entirely unrelated to having babies. I hate that I have to point out this awareness in me, but the fact of the matter is we live in a day and age where if someone has it worse than you, then you're not "allowed" to express difficulties about your own life. Oh gosh, I feel like that's another blog post all together. I should probably stay away from that soap box. Suffice it to say, just because there's someone else in the world who is struggling more than you in a certain aspect of life, doesn't make your burden any less difficult in YOUR life. DANG IT. Anyway. Classic Sandi. Getting side tracked.
For the past 4 years, I can't tell you how many different methodologies/fitness plans/diets (good ones, not fad ones) I've looked into and researched, or how many times I've talked to the Lord about my frustration with my health and body. One thing I HAVE learned in this process is that I AM A SLOOOOOOW LEARNER. I want to just automatically change now and know all the wisdom I need to know now, but it doesn't work that way. Poo. It's taken a long time for my mind to get where it is now in regards to my health and body, and I'm sure there's still more time down the road devoted to this. Yay.
Over the past 6 months, I've had some really great, personal experiences that have given me insight into myself and what I really want physically. For example, rather than try and cram a completely unfamiliar and restrictive diet into my life, I accidentally wandered into eating 80/20 (80% cleanish, 20% whatever I want or is convenient). I mentioned to my therapist that I had started doing this and said "I guess I would call it intentional eating" to which she made a face. When I laughed and asked what that was about she said that she likes to think of intentional eating not so much as intentional but more as "I love myself, and so I'm going to feed myself accordingly, whether it's a healthy meal or an occasional treat." Isn't that wise? I love her. Anyway, that's just one example of how my brain is slowly, sloooooooooooooooooowly, learning it's way around what's really important for me. Basically it boils down to loving myself in a good way. Because the fact of the matter is we need to love ourselves. I'm not talking about the kind of "self love" that leads us to post naked pictures of ourselves on social media (yes I am thinking of someone in particular, and no I don't have very much respect for this person despite not actually knowing them). I'm talking about the kind of self love that means you say "hey buddy, go away!" to unrealistic examples of what your body "should" look like. The kind of self love that says "Here's an idea. Instead of half of that bag of chips, how about these cucumbers and hummus?" but also later that day it might say "those cookies look really good, it's okay to eat one. I SAID ONE, SANDI." Or it's that little voice that says "I know you're really tired, and I know they put a whole new season of British baking on Netflix and it would be soooooo great to sit here and watch it, but maybe go on a walk for a little bit instead. Then come back and watch another episode!" I don't know. Whatever it is your positive inner voice says to you.
Oh my gosh this is so long winded and I haven't even mentioned what my epiphanies from yesterday are. All you Instagram people probably think I've swindled you. I HAVE NOT.
Here you go.
I sat down to read my scriptures (I'm in 2 Nephi for any of you Mormon folk, and sometimes I read the Isaiah chapters and I'm like "these are awesome! I'm gaining a lot from these!" and other times I'm like "how many chapters before I get back to Nephi talking again...." This time through is, unfortunately, the second kind) (I just realized I said Mormon folk and I guess TECHNICALLY I should've said The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints folk) and I don't think I was 6 verses in when my mind was cleared and the following thought process began to form:
*I need to stop looking at my health and body goals in the long term. When I do that, I see all of the days and all of the workouts between now and where I want to be, and the thing I see the most is all the opportunities I have to fail in that time. So without even moving forward, I feel overwhelmed by all of the failing that could potentially happen (but hasn't even happened yet!!) and I get discouraged and quit or don't even start to begin with. It's time to start looking at the journey no further than one day at a time. Yes, have goals, but break it down into one day's perspective. I can have one day of success. I can make good food choices for one day. I can fit one workout into one day. And then I can do it again. I can do it a lot of agains, until they add up to good things. But for now, I'll just think about today.*
You probably just read that and you're like, Sandi everyone knows that. I know everyone knows that! I know that! But for some reason, it finally, FINALLY, penetrated through my heart and brain and into my understanding. So I guess I'm sharing this in the hope that someone else who has understood but hasn't UNDERSTOOD might get something from my own experience.
I put all this epiphany on a piece of paper and hung it up in my kitchen so I see this reminder every. single. day. I'm a huge fan of actual paper reminders. You can ask Mike. I think we have ONE upper kitchen cabinet that doesn't have a piece of paper or reminder of some kind on it.
So, promptly after reading my scriptures (again, it just....it served its purpose in helping me receive revelation, but I'm counting down the chapters until I'm through Isaiah....which I think I only have 2 left. Huzzah)(but really, I don't always feel this way about Isaiah's prophecies! That guy was poetic), I got off my tuckus and I pulled out my yoga mat, and I worked out. And yoga'd. Yoga is where my second epiphany came from. I regret to inform you that it won't be much help to you, but it was immensely uplifting to me and this is my blog so I'm sharing it.
Erin took this picture of me as I held tree pose:
(Not too bad for a 4 year old, right? She gets her photography skills from her paternal grandfather. She gets her love of popcorn from her maternal grandfather.)
Tree pose is in my top 3 favorite yoga poses (the other two are pigeon and forward fold, in case you were wondering). It is the pose in which I feel most solid and confident. When I feel stressed out, tree is my go to pose. When I need a boost of self assurance, tree is my go to pose. When I need to relax and just exist in a yoga pose because life is overwhelming, tree is my go to pose.
Tree is a balancing pose. You need a steady gaze and even breathing to hold balancing poses. My favorite yoga teacher taught me about the concept of a drishti. A drishti is a focal point, somewhere to hold your gaze or mind as you balance or meditate, that will help you be steady. It could be something literal, like a spot on the wall for when you're balancing, or it could be a mental thought or image conjured to help you focus while doing meditation.
As I held this pose yesterday, staring at a spot on the wall, my mind wandered to how much I love this pose. I guess you could say it's my yoga happy place.
And then something funny clicked in my head.
I am married to a very tall man. Very tall. He's 6'6, almost a full foot and a half over my 5'2. He's always been tall, and when he was a teenager, do you know what his nickname was?
Tree.
The person who gives me the most relief when my life overwhelms me is Mike. When my confidence is nonexistent, the person who has a never ending list of things he loves about me is Mike. When I look in the mirror and it's one of those days where self love is in short supply, the person who points out everything he loves about my body is Mike. When I need a break from life and need to just exist without thinking about budgets and cleaning the house and listening to Erin's 5th hour long story of the day, the person who steps in and gives me a break is Mike.
He's totally my happy place.
It's pretty wonderful that I get two constant, unwavering trees in my life.
Tree pose is in my top 3 favorite yoga poses (the other two are pigeon and forward fold, in case you were wondering). It is the pose in which I feel most solid and confident. When I feel stressed out, tree is my go to pose. When I need a boost of self assurance, tree is my go to pose. When I need to relax and just exist in a yoga pose because life is overwhelming, tree is my go to pose.
Tree is a balancing pose. You need a steady gaze and even breathing to hold balancing poses. My favorite yoga teacher taught me about the concept of a drishti. A drishti is a focal point, somewhere to hold your gaze or mind as you balance or meditate, that will help you be steady. It could be something literal, like a spot on the wall for when you're balancing, or it could be a mental thought or image conjured to help you focus while doing meditation.
As I held this pose yesterday, staring at a spot on the wall, my mind wandered to how much I love this pose. I guess you could say it's my yoga happy place.
And then something funny clicked in my head.
I am married to a very tall man. Very tall. He's 6'6, almost a full foot and a half over my 5'2. He's always been tall, and when he was a teenager, do you know what his nickname was?
Tree.
The person who gives me the most relief when my life overwhelms me is Mike. When my confidence is nonexistent, the person who has a never ending list of things he loves about me is Mike. When I look in the mirror and it's one of those days where self love is in short supply, the person who points out everything he loves about my body is Mike. When I need a break from life and need to just exist without thinking about budgets and cleaning the house and listening to Erin's 5th hour long story of the day, the person who steps in and gives me a break is Mike.
He's totally my happy place.
It's pretty wonderful that I get two constant, unwavering trees in my life.
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