Anatomy of a Hallmark Christmas Movie

Reader, you are being forewarned. If you've never seen a Hallmark Christmas movie, this will probably mean nothing to you.


I was watching a Hallmark Christmas movie last night.
As much as I would like to only indulge in deep, thought provoking books and movies, I am a HUUUUUGE sucker for happy endings. So I watch and read quite a lot predictable plots with sappy story lines. This is kind of new to me. I think it's a byproduct of having depression. I like reading stories that fall together perfectly, without too much adversity, and everyone ends up where they're supposed to by the end of the book, and also there's a swoony kiss or two. Realistic? Not really. Fun to read and the complete opposite of my life when I'm sitting in the bottom of a depression hole? YUP.
(This isn't all I read. Okay, it was for like, 2 years, but I've been branching back out in the past few months. Swoony books for life, though, okay?)
I happened across one of those lame Christmas movies on Netflix five years ago when I was pregnant and had the worst sinus infection in the history of all sinus infections. I ended up laying in bed and watching all the titles related to it. I'd never seen such a sappy, corny, unrealistic, Christmasy love fest. So I watched them all again the next year at Christmas. And then the NEXT year, Mike was gone for the month of November for military training, I had a quiet book to make for Erin for Christmas, and I discovered that some folks of a seedy nature like to upload bootlegged Hallmark Christmas movies to the YouTube. So I watched all those while making the quiet book.
I'm not getting to the point of this post. 
My point IS, I know a lot about these movies. I've watched so many of them it's not even funny (and they aren't really funny. Sometimes they make me do one of those complimentary, nasal laughs, but the humor is too corny and unrealistic to be actual humor. Like, who actually laughs at these things outside the worlds of Leave it to Beaver and Full House? Anyway). Within the first ten minutes of any given Hallmark movie, I know exactly what's going to happen. It's because there are, generally, five different plots which they like to recycle through.
The plots are as follows:

Plot #1 - Someone makes a wish on a Christmas star. Or while walking through a mall and "Santa" (who happens to be the really REAL Santa) over hears it. OR, there's some sort of magical ornament, bell, stocking, or something that they wish on.
And then that wish comes true, almost always to their detriment (I say almost always because during "Christmas in Evergreen" the little girl makes a wish that they get snowed in and they do and then everyone falls in love and blah blah blah).
There are two subplots that go along with this one, and THEY are as follows:
Subplot #1 to Plot #1 - The person who makes the wish, falls asleep the night after making the wish, and when they wake up the next morning, EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. The family they always wanted is suddenly existing. Or the executive life they wanted instead of the family life they have is suddenly existing. Or the person they used to be in love with is back in their life. Or whatever. The people who wake up like this generally panic and then realize they have to learn something about themselves and THEN they wake up for real back in their real life. At this point, they go about either changing everything in their life that isn't meaningful, or they start appreciating everything they've been taking for granted.
Subplot #2 to Plot #1 - Someone makes a wish and then gets knocked unconscious. Pretty much the same thing happens as in Subplot #1, except they're unconscious the whole time, not actually asleep, and when they regain conscious, THEN they realize what they need to change or just how good their life actually is.
(If you're still reading at this point, and you're like "Sandi this is insane" I would say "I KNOW BUT THIS IS ACCURATE." Also, buckle up, because we have 4 more plots to cover.)

Plot #2 - Small town girl (occasionally guy) moves to the big city and becomes a fancy shmancy ad exec or lawyer or doctor. Someone dies and bequeaths them property or a business in their hometown. OR, a loved one in their hometown gets injured or sick or needs help running their medical practice.
One of those two things will happen that causes them to leave the big city and head back home. Once returning home, they act like they've forgotten how to live in a small town, and a love interest (someone who is always the most humble and kind and giving of ALL small town people) teaches them to appreciate the little things in life again.
Not quite a subplot to this, but a twist that's almost always used in this storyline:
There is a love interest back in the big city who wants to whisk our heroine (or hero) off on some tropical vacation for Christmas (INSTEAD OF SPENDING IT AT HOME WITH THEIR LOVED ONES WHERE THEY HAD TO PLAN AN ENTIRE PARADE AND COOKIE COMPETITION WITH ONLY 5 DAYS NOTICE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IN THE TOWN COULD DO IT SO THANK GOODNESS THIS FORMER SMALL TOWN GIRL (OR GUY) RETURNED HOME TO SAVE EVERYONE!!!!! All caps for added emphasis of emotion, dang it). OR, the love interest wants to sell the inherited house or business to make more money, but they haven't been in the small town learning how to love the little things in life, so everyone agrees these big city love interests are out of touch, money grubbing jerks, right? About 30 minutes before the movie ends (15 minutes if you're watching it on YouTube without commercials), the big city love interest suddenly shows up to whisk the girl (or guy) away on their vacation, or to finalize the paperwork for selling the inherited whatever, and the NEW love interest in the small town feels betrayed and all "how could you? I thought I knew you even though we just met like a week ago but we built an entire parade's worth of floats in 3 days and you're not the person I knew when we bought those bottles of glitter together!?!?!" and things get tense but then the big city girl (or guy) chooses the small town life. And everything is fine. Every time. Phew. We barely dodged a bullet there. Also, the big city love interest, always, ALWAYS, graciously steps aside for the new small town love interest. I'm talking, the most amicable, polite breakups in the history of breakups.
See Plot #4 for further character development of big city girl (or guy). 

Plot #3 - Through circumstances that are completely ridiculous, a no-name, nobody girl (ALWAYS a girl) ends up working for a royal family in some made up European nation and falling in love with the prince or king. 
That's it.
That's pretty much it for that one.
Maybe she's a chef or a nanny (pardon me, au pair) or an ice skating instructor (like the one I watched last night), but yeah. Always ends up in the castle. For the most obscure reasons. Always ends up in love with the prince or the king. Depending on which of the two is younger and handsomer and eligible. Side note, the one I watched last night, "Christmas at the Palace," was the first one I've seen where it looks like the royal family actually lives in a palace, not just a big "fancy" house at an affordable filming location in the United States or Canada (I'm pretty sure most of these movies are shot in Canada. And most of the actors and actresses are Canadian)(I have nothing against Canada or Canadians. I'm just pointing this out)(I know a lot of really lovely Canadians). 

Plot #4 - Someone has lost their Christmas spirit. Maybe it was because they had a deadbeat parent. Maybe it's because someone died. Maybe it's because they care more about work than things that really matter. Maybe it's because they're just too busy to bother with Christmas. Whatever the case may be, an orphan, an attractive love interest, a homeless person, or a Salvation Army Santa will spend the next two hours helping them get the spirit of Christmas back! Sometimes this plot incorporates pieces of the other plots. Like, using a magical ornament (when they believe in Christmas again, then it lights back up and Santa can deliver toys to all the children in all the land!). Or a big city lawyer/ad exec/interior designer hates Christmas and then loves it again after going back home to their small town (see Plot #2 for further story development). Or the king of some country hates Christmas because blah blah blah, and the beautiful au pair helps him find it within his heart again, usually after a snowball fight.
This plot seems to most often be used when the movie features Candice Cameron Bure. As my cousin Jessica once said when I posted something about Hallmark movies on Facebook: "How many times can DJ Tanner lose the spirit of Christmas anyway?"

Plot #5 - Hallmark decides they'll base a movie on a book someone's written, and then it's kind of a crap shoot, but not really. These are the most original stories, but still preeeeeetty predictable. You'll find the most variety in these, though.
The majority of the thirty something Christmas movies they make each year (for BOTH of their channels)(actually they have 3 channels now, and I feel it's only a matter of time before they start making Christmas movies for their newest one) will incorporate one of the previous four plots more than this one. 

But I will tell you. The ONE thing, EVERY. SINGLE. HALLMARK. MOVIE. has in common........are you ready for it?
CHRISTMAS TREE DECORATING MONTAGE! YAAAAAAY!!! (this is me pretending to be as excited as the characters are about it)
It usually goes something like this:

"What you need is a Christmas tree."
"I have one here in this box/I don't like going to the trouble of putting one up/We haven't had a Christmas tree in the palace since The Great War of 1974 when my mother (or wife) died/What's a Christmas tree?"
"YOU USE A FAKE TREE?!?!WE NEED A REAL ONE/Going to the trouble of getting one is half the fun!/Getting a tree for the palace is the best way to make your staff like you again/A Christmas tree is the most magical of all trees and when you make a wish on them then it's sure to come true!"
(side note from Sandi: I have only ever had a fake Christmas tree, so I don't appreciate Hallmark's hatred of fake Christmas trees. The jerks.)
After this conversation (or something like it) happens, then there is a musical montage featuring the two main characters (and sometimes a child if one of them has a child, or a niece/nephew, or an orphaned kid that they hang out with) picking out a tree at a tree lot and then taking it home to be decorated exactly like the trees in all the other Hallmark movies. 

Also, no one in Hallmark movies removes cookies from their baking sheets after they take them out of the oven so they're probably all way too hard on the bottom.
Also, 75% of them feature knock off songs that are written to sound like Mariah Carey Christmas songs, but aren't actually Mariah Carey Christmas songs. Except for that one time she was in a Hallmark Christmas movie, and it was actual Mariah Carey Christmas songs. 

Now that you've read this blog post, you know everything about every Hallmark Christmas movie ever. And yes, I still love them. 
The end.
And to all a good night.
Or afternoon.
If Texas doesn't beat Kansas in this game, I'll be so annoyed. 


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